What a beautiful existence

To Exist, To Feel, To Know something and To Be Clueless...
I think about Robots sometimes and think that they will one day have the capacity to reason within the parameters of its own data source. I have heard about this already existing. Still, self awareness may still be a ways away. I do not fully understand my own existence. I don't understand why things are the way they are, even when explained with nature. I think of our animal as speaking and our self awareness as singing. They both must come from a natural place and be very similar but they are two separate entities. As our culture begins to lose touch with singing, we also begin to embrace the activities of the animal. This is not meant to be judgmental. I am merely stating that culture has a rise and fall that is inevitable and that the rise and fall can occur at the same time. Be aware and rise to every occasion. If you fall, just look the other way and rise when you can. Don't force it Just allow it.

Cause and Effect: Consequenses

So many times in our society, we speak of consequences. Since our society is based in Christianity, the connotation of the word consequence is negative: Thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal or you will go to Hell. A consequence is merely a reaction from an action. (cause and effect) If you give someone a gift and the receiver is happy to receive the gift, the consequence is judged as good. If the receiver does not want the gift and is upset at you for even proposing the gift, the consequence is judged as bad. The act of giving in my book is good no matter the consequence. If the giver refuses to let the receiver decide whether or not the take the gift, the giver is then trying to control the consequence. This may not turn out bad immediately but it is like controlling the weather. You can get out of the wind of a tornado by going inside your house but if the tornado is strong enough, the tornado will take the house with you inside.

In my own life, I thought at one time that people needed to take my gift of certain beliefs or even of love. I could not understand why they didn't take it. It made my life better so it should make their life better. I came across some people with gifts that they tried to give me. I reluctantly took these gifts and realized that the their elixir was poison to me. It made me less of a person and caused great harm. This is where a truer understanding of tolerance came for me. I realized that my own elixir of life may be poisonous to others. I started living life to the best of my ability, offering a sip of my elixir to anyone that wanted it and giving them my personal recipe for this elixir. As we all know, recipes get modified by every user because we don't use the same equipment and may not have access to the same ingredients. If they then feel that the elixir is not good for them, I do not get my feelings hurt.

If we can think of the elixir as being a liquid we realize that all liquid that we drink must have a water (H20) base. We flavor the water, we infuse the water, we heat or chill the water, we process the water and we sometimes ferment the water. Most people feel that water is boring; they must have a coke, or a beer, or tea, or coffee, or milk, etc. I want to have water flowing at all times and add those different phases of water to my own water without replacing it.

This merely means that I want truth to be my underlying understanding. I am fine with things that I have researched and still arrive at no answer. It means I am not looking for a lie to satisfy the truth. If the cause is unforced truth which includes "I don't know" as a truth, the effect will always be going in the right direction. In other words, allow the cause to be truthful with a good intent and allow the consequence to be whatever it will be. ... "let the chips fall where they may."

SAD

Something about death
And dying still
Darkens solemn areas.

Learn to love the ride

This is the theme song to the Showtime series "The United States of Tara."


Learn to love the ride


Open up the sky

This mess is getting high

It’s windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine

When we learn to love the ride


By Tim DeLaughter of the Polyphonic Spree

The last two lines speak volumes to me. "I know we'll be just fine when we learn to love the ride." When I look back and see lots of things that were fulfillment of goals, I realize that the "ride" was living and the "fulfillment" was the prize. Even without the prize, I have lived and that is the most important part. I love the ride even when I am scared shitless.

I know I'll be just fine because I've learned to love the ride

Self-Pity

Self-Pity can come from negative things like losing a job but to focus on it only makes your state worse. Don't deny the things that went wrong but do look for the things that are going right.

I was upset with a misogynistic, manipulative and disrespectful coworker. He is very unhappy and makes himself physically ill from the things he does. I am not that way. I know to respect others and myself. This higher trait is something that keeps me going.

I am getting paid until next October even though my contract ends in May. I have a nice apt that I consider to be a sanctuary. It may not have everything I want in it but it is my corner of the world that for me is safe. I have a nice car and although I may need to get a different one, I know that I am okay for now.

I have some great coworkers that I never want to forget. They are so special to me. I have great students that I know will be even greater in the future.

There are many other things and while the negative is in the forefront, I must remember those things that are good. I am a good person and a GOOD SOUTHERN MAN.

My Job Has Ended

Well, I got the news today that I did not get the job I was going for. There is a chance that a position will open but I will not cross my fingers. Hmm. I am sort of in a state of shock. I have gone through so many emotions about it and am just at a waterfall that is too heavy for the dam. I know when it breaks it will feel so much better but I can't force it. I have had a glass of wine and will probably have more but I think I will be better tomorrow. There is a tremendous amount of shame and inadequacy that I feel but I know I shouldn't. If you feel it, you must process it. I know this will give me a chance to finish my Doctorate and do wonderful things. Well, I feel the wines effect. I must end for now. Thanks for reading.

Aniticipation

"Anticipation, anticipa-a-tion, it's making me wait."

This song keeps going through my head these days. I remember this from my childhood being the jingle for Heinz Ketchup. I am waiting to find out if I got the job next year or not. At this moment the anticipation is much worse than the answer until the answer comes and it isn't what I want to hear. LOL.

Speaking of Ketchup... My Latino friend said that My last name in Spanish is Del Monte. LOL. Wrong brand but just as anticipatory.

Watch the 1980 Heinz Ketchup anticipation commercial.