What a beautiful existence

To Exist, To Feel, To Know something and To Be Clueless...
I think about Robots sometimes and think that they will one day have the capacity to reason within the parameters of its own data source. I have heard about this already existing. Still, self awareness may still be a ways away. I do not fully understand my own existence. I don't understand why things are the way they are, even when explained with nature. I think of our animal as speaking and our self awareness as singing. They both must come from a natural place and be very similar but they are two separate entities. As our culture begins to lose touch with singing, we also begin to embrace the activities of the animal. This is not meant to be judgmental. I am merely stating that culture has a rise and fall that is inevitable and that the rise and fall can occur at the same time. Be aware and rise to every occasion. If you fall, just look the other way and rise when you can. Don't force it Just allow it.

Cause and Effect: Consequenses

So many times in our society, we speak of consequences. Since our society is based in Christianity, the connotation of the word consequence is negative: Thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal or you will go to Hell. A consequence is merely a reaction from an action. (cause and effect) If you give someone a gift and the receiver is happy to receive the gift, the consequence is judged as good. If the receiver does not want the gift and is upset at you for even proposing the gift, the consequence is judged as bad. The act of giving in my book is good no matter the consequence. If the giver refuses to let the receiver decide whether or not the take the gift, the giver is then trying to control the consequence. This may not turn out bad immediately but it is like controlling the weather. You can get out of the wind of a tornado by going inside your house but if the tornado is strong enough, the tornado will take the house with you inside.

In my own life, I thought at one time that people needed to take my gift of certain beliefs or even of love. I could not understand why they didn't take it. It made my life better so it should make their life better. I came across some people with gifts that they tried to give me. I reluctantly took these gifts and realized that the their elixir was poison to me. It made me less of a person and caused great harm. This is where a truer understanding of tolerance came for me. I realized that my own elixir of life may be poisonous to others. I started living life to the best of my ability, offering a sip of my elixir to anyone that wanted it and giving them my personal recipe for this elixir. As we all know, recipes get modified by every user because we don't use the same equipment and may not have access to the same ingredients. If they then feel that the elixir is not good for them, I do not get my feelings hurt.

If we can think of the elixir as being a liquid we realize that all liquid that we drink must have a water (H20) base. We flavor the water, we infuse the water, we heat or chill the water, we process the water and we sometimes ferment the water. Most people feel that water is boring; they must have a coke, or a beer, or tea, or coffee, or milk, etc. I want to have water flowing at all times and add those different phases of water to my own water without replacing it.

This merely means that I want truth to be my underlying understanding. I am fine with things that I have researched and still arrive at no answer. It means I am not looking for a lie to satisfy the truth. If the cause is unforced truth which includes "I don't know" as a truth, the effect will always be going in the right direction. In other words, allow the cause to be truthful with a good intent and allow the consequence to be whatever it will be. ... "let the chips fall where they may."

SAD

Something about death
And dying still
Darkens solemn areas.

Learn to love the ride

This is the theme song to the Showtime series "The United States of Tara."


Learn to love the ride


Open up the sky

This mess is getting high

It’s windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine

When we learn to love the ride


By Tim DeLaughter of the Polyphonic Spree

The last two lines speak volumes to me. "I know we'll be just fine when we learn to love the ride." When I look back and see lots of things that were fulfillment of goals, I realize that the "ride" was living and the "fulfillment" was the prize. Even without the prize, I have lived and that is the most important part. I love the ride even when I am scared shitless.

I know I'll be just fine because I've learned to love the ride

Self-Pity

Self-Pity can come from negative things like losing a job but to focus on it only makes your state worse. Don't deny the things that went wrong but do look for the things that are going right.

I was upset with a misogynistic, manipulative and disrespectful coworker. He is very unhappy and makes himself physically ill from the things he does. I am not that way. I know to respect others and myself. This higher trait is something that keeps me going.

I am getting paid until next October even though my contract ends in May. I have a nice apt that I consider to be a sanctuary. It may not have everything I want in it but it is my corner of the world that for me is safe. I have a nice car and although I may need to get a different one, I know that I am okay for now.

I have some great coworkers that I never want to forget. They are so special to me. I have great students that I know will be even greater in the future.

There are many other things and while the negative is in the forefront, I must remember those things that are good. I am a good person and a GOOD SOUTHERN MAN.

My Job Has Ended

Well, I got the news today that I did not get the job I was going for. There is a chance that a position will open but I will not cross my fingers. Hmm. I am sort of in a state of shock. I have gone through so many emotions about it and am just at a waterfall that is too heavy for the dam. I know when it breaks it will feel so much better but I can't force it. I have had a glass of wine and will probably have more but I think I will be better tomorrow. There is a tremendous amount of shame and inadequacy that I feel but I know I shouldn't. If you feel it, you must process it. I know this will give me a chance to finish my Doctorate and do wonderful things. Well, I feel the wines effect. I must end for now. Thanks for reading.

Aniticipation

"Anticipation, anticipa-a-tion, it's making me wait."

This song keeps going through my head these days. I remember this from my childhood being the jingle for Heinz Ketchup. I am waiting to find out if I got the job next year or not. At this moment the anticipation is much worse than the answer until the answer comes and it isn't what I want to hear. LOL.

Speaking of Ketchup... My Latino friend said that My last name in Spanish is Del Monte. LOL. Wrong brand but just as anticipatory.

Watch the 1980 Heinz Ketchup anticipation commercial.

Loneliness

There is great comfort in being with others...

The heart fills,

The mind engages,

The body responds,

The subconscious relaxes.

But wait, these are fantastic elements that if personified would never allow for loneliness.

When these elements are aware of each other a true communication that alleviates loneliness can occur.

We all have done things and have had things done to us that causes shame. This breaks the bond of these elements and has them facing the wall, standing in separate corners of the room. Loneliness is a self occupied corner. The back form a shield from anyone trying to get through.

Shame, Anger, Sorrow... any emotion has the capacity to separate these elements. It is when we face these emotions and say, "Yes, I am human and I have emotions that I don't want to experience." It is unfortunate but you can put them away for a while but they will always come back. It is like putting oil in a cardboard box. Without you touching it, it will eventually flow through the box and make a huge mess.

Most people are capable of compassion for others. Allow yourself to personify these elements and be just as compassionate for them.

As long as these elements are in communication with each other, the loneliness of being apart from others will not come so soon. It is imperative that we have outward relationships... It is also imperative that we have inward relationships.

The next time you experience loneliness that has come so immediate from a social situation, try connecting all of these elements. You may experience that bottled emotion. If you are emotionally nauseous, don't you think it is time to alleviate that feeling by doing what is necessary? Relief will come and loneliness will dissipate.

Quote of the Day

I have mentioned before that I get a quote a day (with the exception of Sunday) in my email but I don't think I have ever shared with you how to get it. First let me share with you this quote that made me feel great about my own integrity:

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am surrounded by people who prove themselves on what they have done and what they are going to do.  I do think it is important to have done things and to do things but what I find more important is who that person is when those things are taken away.  If no one cares what you have done and no one care what you will do, will the person that is left have enough substance to stand alone.  At one time my substance was lost.  I based it on so many outside things.  I have realized the importance of others and myself.  What lies within is what I look for in a person.  Unfortunately, we can be blind to what is truly inside another person and blind to what is truly inside ourselves.  Don't be disappointed when you see the shallow side of either.  Search for the "within" that is substance filled.  

The way that you subscribe to the quote of the day is below:

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McKinney Falls

McKinney Falls has turned out to be an excellent refuge. I absolutely love walking out there. It is similar to the walks I had in Mississippi but the landscape is a bit different. I know that I am in Texas because of the short gnarled trees, the rocky terrain and the cactus. This is just something we saw in books or magazines when I lived in Mississippi. There are several things about the Mississippi terrain that I long for but if I were to ever go back to Mississippi, I know that I would long for the Texas terrain as well. This first beautiful scene was taken at McKinney Falls and the photo does not do justice to the actual scene. It is where one of the falls feeds into a basin that continues downstream. The second scene is just as hard on the judgement of beauty. There is a bench with a table that is right beside this opening into the brooklet that runs through this area. This place has everything. I kept wondering why this park was so well kept and had so much to offer and realized after driving around the park that the Texas Parks and Recreations main building is situated on this property. If you really want to go to a beautiful place, Go to McKinney Falls. You will not be disappointed.

Tiger Woods

My heart is breaking over this situation. By accident I turned the channel and saw that he was about to give an apology. I wanted to turn the channel because I thought that it was none of my business but curiosity and shock kept me watching. I have never been a golf fan thus never really been a Tiger Woods fan.

I kept watching thinking this is none of my business while feeling similar situational aspects of my own life coming to the forefront. I had a very horrible boyfriend who wanted his cake and eat it to. This is what Tiger was trying to do but the difference was that I really feel he never meant to hurt, disrespect or humiliate his family with this.

My ex during our relationship disrespected and humiliated me on a daily basis. He was most charismatic and if he were a car salesman, he could sell New Kia vehicles to a BMW car dealer. The one thing that I felt was very important when I was fed up with him and broke up with him, was that we treat each other with respect and try not to humiliate one another.

Unfortunately, it got worse. The humiliation and disrespect was in front of my face and I started writing a blog about it. This was very therapeutic for me but may not have been the best way of handling the situation. I do not regret it because I learned from it. I became stronger and found out that something from my recent past was not being dealt with psychologically. I started seeing a therapist and read self help books day and night.

I am not sure if Tiger's relationship will last but I am so glad that I watched. He spoke of his Buddhist upbringing and the core values that he felt made life better. He said that he went away from those core values and wants to come back to them. My core values were questioned as being Christian, even though I am Atheist, and they were also questioned as being the silly part of Americans. This made me feel better that there is a way of living that has nothing to do with the self. Living amongst others must take compassion, understanding, respect, honor, kindness, patience, faithfulness and self-control. Yes some of these come from the Bible but I believe the Bible to be a rule book for society rather than a religion. I don't agree with much in the bible but since we have a heightened awareness, it is important that we respect boundaries.

If we were wild animals, none of these rules would apply. We are not wild animals so why should we compare ourselves to them. I do like the study of animals because it does help us to understand things about ourselves but we know if we kill another that we have damaged not only that person but every person that knew that person as well as yourself. This goes with some of the "sins" listed in the bible. I believe in truth, I believe in honor, I believe in life, I believe in contracts and the respect that goes with them.

Tiger messed up but again that is totally between him and his wife. This is not something that we should be following. I wanted to watch his speech so that I can not have twisted words second hand. He seems much like my ex. Neither my ex nor Tiger are bad people but they did make some mistakes. I applaud Tiger for setting things right and pleading with the paparazzi to stop following his family. Even if they don't get back together, he showed great humility and allowed himself to stand on what he truly believes.

Life is so funny. It is true that what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. I no longer look for people to abuse or use or take advantage of me. I try very hard not to turn it the other way and oppress another person. My old friendships worth saving have gotten so much deeper and my new friendships are with people who want nothing from me and are happy when things go well in my life and are there for me when they don't.

I know this is kind of word vomit but my mixed feelings over the Tiger Woods public apology are just as random. If every man could stand up and say that to their partner that they have wronged, we would have a much better society. Again, I don't think it is my business but this may have actually helped someone who is in the same situation.

I hope the best for your recover Tiger and the best for your wife's recovery.

Little gems

Lately things have been very stressful. I am realizing that the job search has gone a different route. I am fine with this but it does mean starting over again. This makes me a little anxious because I really want a house and a dog (my sweet Lacey can't be replaced but it would be nice to have a new little friend) and a yard, and new furniture and a TV and friends that live close by that come to my house and have dinner and enjoy just sitting and talking about something other than ourselves. I subscribe to a quote of the day site in my email and this little gem came in:

The greatest gift you will ever receive is the gift of loving and
believing in yourself. Guard this gift with your life. It is the only
thing that will ever truly be yours.

-- Tiffany Loren Rowe

I do love myself and believe in myself but the latter gets questioned by outside sources which makes one a bit guarded. I want to be in a place where I can let my guard down but until then I will just continue to love and believe in myself.

Even if I live on the street (which I will do my best to keep from happening) I know that I can adapt and find something loving and something secure. I really feel secure about so many things. Those things that I do not feel secure about, I have come to an acceptance of. They are mine just as my strengths are mine. I like being different and that will be what I have to offer... ME!

Sad day

I don't know why I am sad today.

I got an email from my great aunt and she said that she spoke to her brother and sister and they had some disappointing things to say. This made me think of my own two brothers and feel sad for the fact that we have hardly nothing in common. How can we come from the same parents and be so different? I moved away during some developmental years and I think that is why I am so estranged from them.

I think it is time to stop acting and start talking. This will be very difficult for me but I think the truth is so important. I am a very truthful person and will tell the truth when asked but my family and I have stopped asking questions so the truth remains within.

Today Real Utterances Tell Hope!!!!

Tomorrow Reveals Understanding Through Harmony!!!!

Take Refuge Until Talking Heals!!!!

Missionary Impossible (Simpsons Season 11 Episode 15)

Funny quote:

Homer, the philanthropist, tries to spread God's word by reading from the book of "Puh-salms," and tries to answer the islanders' two questions about religion.

Lisa, Jr.: Amy said that there are lots of religions.  Which is the right one? 

Homer:  Well, not the Unitarians.  If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat. 

Ak:  If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not?  Ak just saying. 

Homer:  Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin.  Oh, he's been a rock.

Quote from Roger on American Dad

I am really getting into finding interesting quotes from pop culture these days. Movies and TV shows really can shed light on the status of society and its future. It shows both the good and bad. Really it has no judgement on good or bad and just shows what it shows.

Roger is an alien (from outer space) on the show American Dad. The "American Dad" is Stan who on this episode at Christmas about the Rapture (Rapture's Delight; season 5, episode 9) said that his wife dressed too sexy for church. Roger who is more male than female wears both male and female clothing. He came out in Amish type clothing before church and Stan stated his approval of his attire. Roger responded with this:

“Aw, I love your religion… for the CRAZY! Virgin birth… water into wine… it’s, it’s like Harry Potter but it causes genocide and bad folk music.”

This whole episode was packed with great little lines like this. It is on HULU right now but it is a trailing episode which means it will not be on there long.