I have…
A piece of paper
Strong yet delicate
Protected yet vulnerable
Why do some choose to pour water on you just to see your demise
While others write beautiful words and draw wonderful pictures on you?
Some paper is worth more than others
Ink and numbers validate a worth that has nothing to do with your core
The material for my paper is strong yet they keep looking at it from the side
“It is thin” some say… “It is weak” others say
I have a water spot in the corner of my paper
They don’t choose my paper because of this
I hid the water spot, the flaw
I prepared my paper for the choosing
A group of people saw my paper for what it actually was
Strong, bold, unique, alluring
An absent member of the group heard about my flaw
His paper was not as special yet people wrote wonderful things on it all the time
He chose to pour more water on my paper
He convinced others to pour water on my paper
My paper didn’t repel the water
It absorbed it
I tried to write on my paper after the damage had been done
I destroyed my paper
Luckily, they stopped pouring water on it after this
I refused to toss my paper in the wastebasket
I gathered more materials to make it stronger
I pressed my paper into a new form
My paper dried
My paper is stronger than before
My paper is mine
No group or individual can use it
I have…
A peace of paper
Friday, September 14, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Mad Men Quote
Mad Men Quote:
Don Draper: She’s a sweet girl and she wants me to know her, but I already do. People tell you who they are but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be.
Season 4 Episode 8: The Summer Man
I find this to be similar to the Maya Angelo quote:
"When people tell you who they are -- believe them"
This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I sometimes deny that someone has shown me a truth and dwell in the lie without even knowing it. I think it is a self-protection reflex. It's like when you are on a long trip and you are mad at the person sitting next to you in the car. You can make the best of it by focusing on your surroundings and discussing something far from the source of anger. You can make the best of it with silence. OR you can make the best of it by discussing the problem and letting it go. I find that I get stuck in the surroundings focus that I never get back to the problem. I have had some family (not really immediate family) that uses revenge. They are calculated in their anger and wait to pounce like a cat. If you bring up a problem, they feel that you are hurting them personally and will find a way to hurt you personally later. I made the mistake of bringing some friends and lovers into my heart with this same reaction. I kept trying to fix this familial problem and realized there is nothing to fix. It is what it is. I now surround myself with people who don't use revenge and who don't take it personally. We live on this planet with billions of people. We are going to cross paths that seem to throw you off of your path but if we can remember that paths are not straight, that they have curves and turns and rough patches, we will be much happier with the journey.
I also like those times when you have to make your own path. I feel like I am in that mode professionally right now. I can see the highway but I am still in the forest trudging closer to civilization. It is so important to let these quotes reveal themselves to you when deciding to work somewhere. I will be so glad to work in a more positive environment with people that are more emotionally intelligent. I have worked in both positive and negative environments and notice that my efficacy is 100 percent in the positive place. My emotional intelligence has also grown so much personally and professionally over the last few years and I realize that I am now ready for that great work place. I just need to remember patience which has come much easier with this new way of thinking. I am so happy for mistakes so that I can get to the best place possible for my ultimate self.
Don Draper: She’s a sweet girl and she wants me to know her, but I already do. People tell you who they are but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be.
Season 4 Episode 8: The Summer Man
I find this to be similar to the Maya Angelo quote:
"When people tell you who they are -- believe them"
This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I sometimes deny that someone has shown me a truth and dwell in the lie without even knowing it. I think it is a self-protection reflex. It's like when you are on a long trip and you are mad at the person sitting next to you in the car. You can make the best of it by focusing on your surroundings and discussing something far from the source of anger. You can make the best of it with silence. OR you can make the best of it by discussing the problem and letting it go. I find that I get stuck in the surroundings focus that I never get back to the problem. I have had some family (not really immediate family) that uses revenge. They are calculated in their anger and wait to pounce like a cat. If you bring up a problem, they feel that you are hurting them personally and will find a way to hurt you personally later. I made the mistake of bringing some friends and lovers into my heart with this same reaction. I kept trying to fix this familial problem and realized there is nothing to fix. It is what it is. I now surround myself with people who don't use revenge and who don't take it personally. We live on this planet with billions of people. We are going to cross paths that seem to throw you off of your path but if we can remember that paths are not straight, that they have curves and turns and rough patches, we will be much happier with the journey.
I also like those times when you have to make your own path. I feel like I am in that mode professionally right now. I can see the highway but I am still in the forest trudging closer to civilization. It is so important to let these quotes reveal themselves to you when deciding to work somewhere. I will be so glad to work in a more positive environment with people that are more emotionally intelligent. I have worked in both positive and negative environments and notice that my efficacy is 100 percent in the positive place. My emotional intelligence has also grown so much personally and professionally over the last few years and I realize that I am now ready for that great work place. I just need to remember patience which has come much easier with this new way of thinking. I am so happy for mistakes so that I can get to the best place possible for my ultimate self.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I AM SO TIRED OF SCHOOL
After March, I need a vacation! I have been studying off and on for years now to complete this degree. I have forgotten more than I need. Why are these tests so important? I have combated some of my test anxiety by hiring tutors and talking to test counselors. It has been very difficult because this is one thing that has caused my test in the past to be so low. When I was asked the information after the test, there was never any problem. I once took an IQ test and scored 135. That was one test where I felt no anxiety because nothing was riding on it. I realize that IQ and Book smarts are not the same. The test for which I have to prepare are not IQ related although they are masked with an element of IQ. Yes, you must figure things out but not in a creative way. You must figure it out in a way that the average joe with this knowledge will answer. There is only room for bottled and processed creativity. This seems to be the new way of the music world in general. We are going in the toilet by trying to do things in a marketing way. We really need to just be creative!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
NIce Quote
Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many--not
on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
-- Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist
My Present Blessings:
My Health: I had some physical problems at the end of the Spring semester of 2011. Much of it had to do with stress. That is what happens when you spread yourself too thin. It was also that I made some bad dietary choices and remained sedentary. Thankfully, my diet has changed by the incorporation of healthy choices. I have also started to exercise. My routines of diet and exercise wain at times but that is of no matter. I am so much healthier now and the physical problems have gone away.
Acceptance from others: My skin still wants to flair up from time to time (especially with the folliculitis barbae traumatica) it is not life-threatening but I am now surrounding myself with positive people rather than vain people who know that I am doing what is necessary to treat my skin properly and accept me with or without the pimples. These people see me the same whether I dye my hair or change my appearance. They love me and see the beautiful ME inside.
Acceptance of self: The southern way of life is a bit different than this southwestern way of life. In the South, we want to depend on each other HEAVILY for communities sake and South-westerners are so independent that they feel this to be a codependent or controlling scheme. They tend to be loners and cut ties with anyone at anytime for any reason. I feel like I have lived here long enough to get the best of both worlds. It is much like the airplane safety tips: secure your mask before assisting other passengers. I now want to know what I think and feel first. Those feelings are valid no matter the judgement of others. We must honor them and acknowledge without judgement of ourselves. I can trust myself again. I am happy being in my own skin. I am happy being in nature. I am happy being with fellow human beings whose opinions are both the same and different from mine. So the Southwest gives me ME while the South gives me others. True acceptance of self comes by accepting humanity inwardly and outwardly.
I work: Although my job has an expiration date, I am still employed and am thankful for that. My support system at work has been less than understanding. I made some rookie mistakes and gained a plethora of experience. I see that everything is a matter of perspective. Thankfully, I have conquered those bad events that happened while I was in college but I still had to sing then. I was not always at my best and that news travels. When I started this job, I still had what I call residuals that would creep in. I sometimes compare them to aftershocks of an earthquake. The big one has hit but you will still have minor ones as a reaction to the big one until it just stops one day. Thankfully, I think the residuals are over. I proved this in Guatemala. I was sick for the first performance but still sang and was determined to conquer the 2nd performance with or without the sickness. I became that performer that was inside of me. He finally had no one telling him that his track record was this so these are the expectations. It was brand new. I not only sang with good technique and sensitive musicality but with heart and mind and body. This lets me know that I am back on track and I can't wait for the next adventure. This is not the first time that a small minded man has controlled my performance negatively but with this renewed sense of self, this very well could be the last time. Instead of bowing down to others needs, I need to say "HEY! Wait a minute! That isn't fair!" and if I lose my job for that then it will be for a noble cause. I see now that it is just a job. My career awaits.
Family: I at one point was so mad at my family for not accepting my homosexuality and then it hit me. I didn't accept them for being Southern Baptist or for being Christian for that matter, I didn't accept them for being voting members of the Republican party, and I didn't accept them for recognizing my brother's wives but never concerning themselves with my companions. Instead of trying to change them, I decided to change myself by accepting them no matter what they believed or did. It took some time but now I talk to them regularly and can say that made me happy or that made me mad or that made me sad. What they do with it is their business but a conversation about five years ago confirmed that the bottom line is love. I love them and they love me. I accept them and they accept me.
Friends: Once I felt that I had to hold on to friendships. I realized this was much like some of my students holding on to their voice. Let it go I would say. It will be there whether you hold on to it or not I would say. I have hence stopped holding on to people and have feed my friendships just by being there. One relationship confused me tremendously. I thought since we were long term friends that we had to be best friends and I tried and tried to make it work to the point that we would stop the friendship at times. I know realize that she is not my best friend but my family and it is not necessary to try and make her anything more or less. It is what it is. This had made way for true best friends. Some exes make the best friends as well as mentors and then there is the happenstance of the happy person at a party who you makes you laugh and you make her laugh and you want that to continue so you become best friends. I truly love my friends.
Bottom-line: I am a worthy person as well as everyone else on this planet. When I see that, I am happy. People who have done me wrong are worthy in that they taught me a life lesson. People who I have done wrong have the most sincere apology from me. A bull doesn't intentionally break the china in the shop and I feel that way many times but the china is still broken as a result of my entering the shop. I apologize for those times as well. I have just received some surprisingly wonderful news which is the reason for the post. I passed two of my comps and will pass two more in March!! My job is over at the end of the Spring semester so I don't have to be loyal to extra-curricular activity and refocus on my doctorate. I am waiting for some books to come in the mail to read for my doctorate and I have set up tutoring with a very nice and intelligent professor at UT. Life is a beautiful thing and when you spin the wheels the ride gets very exciting.
As always, this is unedited free-thought so certain things may not make sense but I hope you enjoy the quote and see that you too have so many blessings.
Love and Peace always!!!
on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
-- Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist
My Present Blessings:
My Health: I had some physical problems at the end of the Spring semester of 2011. Much of it had to do with stress. That is what happens when you spread yourself too thin. It was also that I made some bad dietary choices and remained sedentary. Thankfully, my diet has changed by the incorporation of healthy choices. I have also started to exercise. My routines of diet and exercise wain at times but that is of no matter. I am so much healthier now and the physical problems have gone away.
Acceptance from others: My skin still wants to flair up from time to time (especially with the folliculitis barbae traumatica) it is not life-threatening but I am now surrounding myself with positive people rather than vain people who know that I am doing what is necessary to treat my skin properly and accept me with or without the pimples. These people see me the same whether I dye my hair or change my appearance. They love me and see the beautiful ME inside.
Acceptance of self: The southern way of life is a bit different than this southwestern way of life. In the South, we want to depend on each other HEAVILY for communities sake and South-westerners are so independent that they feel this to be a codependent or controlling scheme. They tend to be loners and cut ties with anyone at anytime for any reason. I feel like I have lived here long enough to get the best of both worlds. It is much like the airplane safety tips: secure your mask before assisting other passengers. I now want to know what I think and feel first. Those feelings are valid no matter the judgement of others. We must honor them and acknowledge without judgement of ourselves. I can trust myself again. I am happy being in my own skin. I am happy being in nature. I am happy being with fellow human beings whose opinions are both the same and different from mine. So the Southwest gives me ME while the South gives me others. True acceptance of self comes by accepting humanity inwardly and outwardly.
I work: Although my job has an expiration date, I am still employed and am thankful for that. My support system at work has been less than understanding. I made some rookie mistakes and gained a plethora of experience. I see that everything is a matter of perspective. Thankfully, I have conquered those bad events that happened while I was in college but I still had to sing then. I was not always at my best and that news travels. When I started this job, I still had what I call residuals that would creep in. I sometimes compare them to aftershocks of an earthquake. The big one has hit but you will still have minor ones as a reaction to the big one until it just stops one day. Thankfully, I think the residuals are over. I proved this in Guatemala. I was sick for the first performance but still sang and was determined to conquer the 2nd performance with or without the sickness. I became that performer that was inside of me. He finally had no one telling him that his track record was this so these are the expectations. It was brand new. I not only sang with good technique and sensitive musicality but with heart and mind and body. This lets me know that I am back on track and I can't wait for the next adventure. This is not the first time that a small minded man has controlled my performance negatively but with this renewed sense of self, this very well could be the last time. Instead of bowing down to others needs, I need to say "HEY! Wait a minute! That isn't fair!" and if I lose my job for that then it will be for a noble cause. I see now that it is just a job. My career awaits.
Family: I at one point was so mad at my family for not accepting my homosexuality and then it hit me. I didn't accept them for being Southern Baptist or for being Christian for that matter, I didn't accept them for being voting members of the Republican party, and I didn't accept them for recognizing my brother's wives but never concerning themselves with my companions. Instead of trying to change them, I decided to change myself by accepting them no matter what they believed or did. It took some time but now I talk to them regularly and can say that made me happy or that made me mad or that made me sad. What they do with it is their business but a conversation about five years ago confirmed that the bottom line is love. I love them and they love me. I accept them and they accept me.
Friends: Once I felt that I had to hold on to friendships. I realized this was much like some of my students holding on to their voice. Let it go I would say. It will be there whether you hold on to it or not I would say. I have hence stopped holding on to people and have feed my friendships just by being there. One relationship confused me tremendously. I thought since we were long term friends that we had to be best friends and I tried and tried to make it work to the point that we would stop the friendship at times. I know realize that she is not my best friend but my family and it is not necessary to try and make her anything more or less. It is what it is. This had made way for true best friends. Some exes make the best friends as well as mentors and then there is the happenstance of the happy person at a party who you makes you laugh and you make her laugh and you want that to continue so you become best friends. I truly love my friends.
Bottom-line: I am a worthy person as well as everyone else on this planet. When I see that, I am happy. People who have done me wrong are worthy in that they taught me a life lesson. People who I have done wrong have the most sincere apology from me. A bull doesn't intentionally break the china in the shop and I feel that way many times but the china is still broken as a result of my entering the shop. I apologize for those times as well. I have just received some surprisingly wonderful news which is the reason for the post. I passed two of my comps and will pass two more in March!! My job is over at the end of the Spring semester so I don't have to be loyal to extra-curricular activity and refocus on my doctorate. I am waiting for some books to come in the mail to read for my doctorate and I have set up tutoring with a very nice and intelligent professor at UT. Life is a beautiful thing and when you spin the wheels the ride gets very exciting.
As always, this is unedited free-thought so certain things may not make sense but I hope you enjoy the quote and see that you too have so many blessings.
Love and Peace always!!!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Carmina Burana
What a wonderful work. I have the opportunity to sing the solos for this work with my job. I have been working on it for a while but have avoided it as well because of its vocal difficulty and demands. I realized after a rehearsal that I didn't get to prepare for, that I don't have it down as well as I thought. I don't know why my brain tells me I have it when I don't. I think it is because it is in my ear but only half way in my voice. I know when the tempos are different it makes me hear a different song and I feel that I don't know it at all. I get overwhelmed like my grandmother when she cooked. I am going to practice today and find road maps in the music to help me from being overwhelmed. I have been teaching musical theater this year and have had to teach belting. I have to find a way to not go to that place in this work. I think it would be no problem if I didn't teach it so much. On to a productive day of practice and then to a school opera performance. Wish me the best.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
What a beautiful existence
To Exist, To Feel, To Know something and To Be Clueless...
I think about Robots sometimes and think that they will one day have the capacity to reason within the parameters of its own data source. I have heard about this already existing. Still, self awareness may still be a ways away. I do not fully understand my own existence. I don't understand why things are the way they are, even when explained with nature. I think of our animal as speaking and our self awareness as singing. They both must come from a natural place and be very similar but they are two separate entities. As our culture begins to lose touch with singing, we also begin to embrace the activities of the animal. This is not meant to be judgmental. I am merely stating that culture has a rise and fall that is inevitable and that the rise and fall can occur at the same time. Be aware and rise to every occasion. If you fall, just look the other way and rise when you can. Don't force it Just allow it.
I think about Robots sometimes and think that they will one day have the capacity to reason within the parameters of its own data source. I have heard about this already existing. Still, self awareness may still be a ways away. I do not fully understand my own existence. I don't understand why things are the way they are, even when explained with nature. I think of our animal as speaking and our self awareness as singing. They both must come from a natural place and be very similar but they are two separate entities. As our culture begins to lose touch with singing, we also begin to embrace the activities of the animal. This is not meant to be judgmental. I am merely stating that culture has a rise and fall that is inevitable and that the rise and fall can occur at the same time. Be aware and rise to every occasion. If you fall, just look the other way and rise when you can. Don't force it Just allow it.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Cause and Effect: Consequenses
So many times in our society, we speak of consequences. Since our society is based in Christianity, the connotation of the word consequence is negative: Thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal or you will go to Hell. A consequence is merely a reaction from an action. (cause and effect) If you give someone a gift and the receiver is happy to receive the gift, the consequence is judged as good. If the receiver does not want the gift and is upset at you for even proposing the gift, the consequence is judged as bad. The act of giving in my book is good no matter the consequence. If the giver refuses to let the receiver decide whether or not the take the gift, the giver is then trying to control the consequence. This may not turn out bad immediately but it is like controlling the weather. You can get out of the wind of a tornado by going inside your house but if the tornado is strong enough, the tornado will take the house with you inside.
In my own life, I thought at one time that people needed to take my gift of certain beliefs or even of love. I could not understand why they didn't take it. It made my life better so it should make their life better. I came across some people with gifts that they tried to give me. I reluctantly took these gifts and realized that the their elixir was poison to me. It made me less of a person and caused great harm. This is where a truer understanding of tolerance came for me. I realized that my own elixir of life may be poisonous to others. I started living life to the best of my ability, offering a sip of my elixir to anyone that wanted it and giving them my personal recipe for this elixir. As we all know, recipes get modified by every user because we don't use the same equipment and may not have access to the same ingredients. If they then feel that the elixir is not good for them, I do not get my feelings hurt.
If we can think of the elixir as being a liquid we realize that all liquid that we drink must have a water (H20) base. We flavor the water, we infuse the water, we heat or chill the water, we process the water and we sometimes ferment the water. Most people feel that water is boring; they must have a coke, or a beer, or tea, or coffee, or milk, etc. I want to have water flowing at all times and add those different phases of water to my own water without replacing it.
This merely means that I want truth to be my underlying understanding. I am fine with things that I have researched and still arrive at no answer. It means I am not looking for a lie to satisfy the truth. If the cause is unforced truth which includes "I don't know" as a truth, the effect will always be going in the right direction. In other words, allow the cause to be truthful with a good intent and allow the consequence to be whatever it will be. ... "let the chips fall where they may."
In my own life, I thought at one time that people needed to take my gift of certain beliefs or even of love. I could not understand why they didn't take it. It made my life better so it should make their life better. I came across some people with gifts that they tried to give me. I reluctantly took these gifts and realized that the their elixir was poison to me. It made me less of a person and caused great harm. This is where a truer understanding of tolerance came for me. I realized that my own elixir of life may be poisonous to others. I started living life to the best of my ability, offering a sip of my elixir to anyone that wanted it and giving them my personal recipe for this elixir. As we all know, recipes get modified by every user because we don't use the same equipment and may not have access to the same ingredients. If they then feel that the elixir is not good for them, I do not get my feelings hurt.
If we can think of the elixir as being a liquid we realize that all liquid that we drink must have a water (H20) base. We flavor the water, we infuse the water, we heat or chill the water, we process the water and we sometimes ferment the water. Most people feel that water is boring; they must have a coke, or a beer, or tea, or coffee, or milk, etc. I want to have water flowing at all times and add those different phases of water to my own water without replacing it.
This merely means that I want truth to be my underlying understanding. I am fine with things that I have researched and still arrive at no answer. It means I am not looking for a lie to satisfy the truth. If the cause is unforced truth which includes "I don't know" as a truth, the effect will always be going in the right direction. In other words, allow the cause to be truthful with a good intent and allow the consequence to be whatever it will be. ... "let the chips fall where they may."
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