Random Thoughts of a Recovering Divo and Enabler

Well, it has been a while since my last blog entry.  I finished my first DMA (Doctor of Musical Arts) Recital.  I have a chamber recital that will be at the beginning of the Summer that involves several people that I compile, a second DMA recital, and a lecture recital with a Thesis.  I have to complete these two classes and take 6 comprehensive examinations this semester.  If I do not pass a certain part of the comprehensive exam, I will have to take it again in the fall.  Most instrumentalists do very well with these exams because they actually perform this music.  Vocalists unfortunately do not perform this music so many of the devises that we should see are unrecognizable.  A vocalist with good piano skills does have an advantage in this area.  Although I think the exam is not exactly relevant to me as a performer, I see that it is important for me as a musician.  

I hate the gap between instrumentalists and vocalists and I think this gap is being lessened as the years go by.  One way is through "Collaborative Pianists."  This once was called an "accompanists."  I am not one for PC terms that are made for no apparent reason but this one is certainly appropriate.  I have always thought that the pianists was just as important as the vocalists and this terminology certainly helps to clarify this picture.  This term can be broadened to have a Collaborative [any instrument including voice].  I like the fact that we are now putting equal weight on any instrument.  

A diva attitude is just not conducive in this field.  We are still producing diva's on both sides because the teachers feel that the attitude or ego helps the performer.  I DISAGREE!!  I have been that divo before.  Mind you, I have tried not to be but you sometimes fall into without even knowing it.  I do not like myself as a divo.  We need to start adding classes to our program that incorporate Collaborative Counselors with psychiatry degrees.  They need to show us that a diva attitude is not necessary and unhealthy to ones psyche.  

I have been seeing a counselor once every two weeks and I usually end up asking him every once in a while if I am crazy.  He continues to say that I am not crazy which is reassuring.  LOL.  When you have a diva attitude, perfection is a top priority.  As a diva, worth is equated as perfection.  It is very apparent that I have some perfectionistic traits from childhood which gives me some anxiety.  This means that the diva attitude could mask some of this to conquer the anxiety.  I really think it can be done in a different way.  I haven't mastered that yet but I truly believe that it can be done.  

You know something very strange is that I really like to help people but being in the entertainment industry you sometimes feel is this really helping anyone or just entertaining someone.  I do think that music helps in many ways but I also think that it can be lacking to the type of help that I want to give.  I really like people and getting to know people.  I like helping people feel stronger and helping them to find a sense of hope and worth.  

Unfortunately, I have been doing this in my private life and couldn't understand when things went wrong.  I would like to help people universally and have more stability in my private life.  My private life should include people that do not need me to build them up.  We should be building our relationships instead.  If you build up a person that is in a relationship with you, it may backfire.  They may start standing on those building blocks and look down on you.  I refuse to get involved with anyone that has a deep seated psychological problem.  This may seem selfish but I can't fix it.  I am not a therapists and it would be best to enter into a relationship where both parties are standing on their own building blocks.  When someone says, I will change, do not believe it.  They want to change but you run the risk of enabling their behavior by accepting it.  I say separate from it and come back to it if they truly change and it feels right to do so.  This again seems selfish but I say from experience, people lie but not necessarily to you.  They lie to themselves by saying afterwards that nothing is wrong with them.  This in turn makes their self-lie affect you.  They will tell you that they have a problem over and over and then you take them back and that final time that you say NO MORE they then say that it is you that has a problem.  

I have a tendency to enable.  I see that there is a pattern of me going out with people that are addicted to something whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, food or whatever and I excuse it.  I will not do that anymore.  If I see an addiction, no matter how much I like the person, I will run away as fast as I can.  LOL.  I have met some people lately that do not have outstanding addictions and it has been very strange to realize how much I do not have to do in the relationship.  I no longer have to be a Daddy, or a therapist, or a doormat and the relationship can grow into something deep without an addiction being present.  I have no addictions right now and hope that status stays that way.  I do not take psychotropic medication which is not a bad thing but I never thought that I would be able to survive without something like that.  This has been a great thing for me because my values have gotten better.  I have become so close to my family and my old friends as well as my new friends.  I am still going through the process of not finding the addictions of others attractive.  

When I look back, I see that the stronger their addiction, the better I liked them and the more hurt I became.  I have seen a couple of my ex-boyfriends who were addicts lately and they no longer have power over me.  In fact, they are no longer attractive to me which could mean that I was in love with the addict and not the person or that I am just over them.  LOL.  I am dating someone now but if I see an element of addiction, I will RUN.  My last "boyfriend" was an alcoholic and I liked him very much but I ran and that has been a very good thing.  If we change to friends, I will be fine with that and if he never speaks to me again, I will be fine with that.  The good thing is that I am dating some nice guys.  They seem to not have addictions so if I decide to continue dating them or not, the decision will be based on something other than an addiction.