My Paper

I have…
A piece of paper

Strong yet delicate
Protected yet vulnerable

Why do some choose to pour water on you just to see your demise
While others write beautiful words and draw wonderful pictures on you?

Some paper is worth more than others
Ink and numbers validate a worth that has nothing to do with your core

The material for my paper is strong yet they keep looking at it from the side
“It is thin” some say… “It is weak” others say

I have a water spot in the corner of my paper
They don’t choose my paper because of this

I hid the water spot, the flaw
I prepared my paper for the choosing

A group of people saw my paper for what it actually was
Strong, bold, unique, alluring

An absent member of the group heard about my flaw
His paper was not as special yet people wrote wonderful things on it all the time

He chose to pour more water on my paper
He convinced others to pour water on my paper

My paper didn’t repel the water
It absorbed it

I tried to write on my paper after the damage had been done
I destroyed my paper

Luckily, they stopped pouring water on it after this
I refused to toss my paper in the wastebasket

I gathered more materials to make it stronger
I pressed my paper into a new form

My paper dried
My paper is stronger than before

My paper is mine
No group or individual can use it

I have…
A peace of paper

Mad Men Quote

Mad Men Quote:

Don Draper: She’s a sweet girl and she wants me to know her, but I already do. People tell you who they are but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be.

Season 4 Episode 8: The Summer Man

I find this to be similar to the Maya Angelo quote:

"When people tell you who they are -- believe them"

This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I sometimes deny that someone has shown me a truth and dwell in the lie without even knowing it. I think it is a self-protection reflex. It's like when you are on a long trip and you are mad at the person sitting next to you in the car. You can make the best of it by focusing on your surroundings and discussing something far from the source of anger. You can make the best of it with silence. OR you can make the best of it by discussing the problem and letting it go. I find that I get stuck in the surroundings focus that I never get back to the problem. I have had some family (not really immediate family) that uses revenge. They are calculated in their anger and wait to pounce like a cat. If you bring up a problem, they feel that you are hurting them personally and will find a way to hurt you personally later. I made the mistake of bringing some friends and lovers into my heart with this same reaction. I kept trying to fix this familial problem and realized there is nothing to fix. It is what it is. I now surround myself with people who don't use revenge and who don't take it personally. We live on this planet with billions of people. We are going to cross paths that seem to throw you off of your path but if we can remember that paths are not straight, that they have curves and turns and rough patches, we will be much happier with the journey.

I also like those times when you have to make your own path. I feel like I am in that mode professionally right now. I can see the highway but I am still in the forest trudging closer to civilization. It is so important to let these quotes reveal themselves to you when deciding to work somewhere. I will be so glad to work in a more positive environment with people that are more emotionally intelligent. I have worked in both positive and negative environments and notice that my efficacy is 100 percent in the positive place. My emotional intelligence has also grown so much personally and professionally over the last few years and I realize that I am now ready for that great work place. I just need to remember patience which has come much easier with this new way of thinking. I am so happy for mistakes so that I can get to the best place possible for my ultimate self.

I AM SO TIRED OF SCHOOL

After March, I need a vacation! I have been studying off and on for years now to complete this degree. I have forgotten more than I need. Why are these tests so important? I have combated some of my test anxiety by hiring tutors and talking to test counselors. It has been very difficult because this is one thing that has caused my test in the past to be so low. When I was asked the information after the test, there was never any problem. I once took an IQ test and scored 135. That was one test where I felt no anxiety because nothing was riding on it. I realize that IQ and Book smarts are not the same. The test for which I have to prepare are not IQ related although they are masked with an element of IQ. Yes, you must figure things out but not in a creative way. You must figure it out in a way that the average joe with this knowledge will answer. There is only room for bottled and processed creativity. This seems to be the new way of the music world in general. We are going in the toilet by trying to do things in a marketing way. We really need to just be creative!

NIce Quote

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many--not
on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

-- Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist

My Present Blessings:

My Health: I had some physical problems at the end of the Spring semester of 2011. Much of it had to do with stress. That is what happens when you spread yourself too thin. It was also that I made some bad dietary choices and remained sedentary. Thankfully, my diet has changed by the incorporation of healthy choices. I have also started to exercise. My routines of diet and exercise wain at times but that is of no matter. I am so much healthier now and the physical problems have gone away.

Acceptance from others: My skin still wants to flair up from time to time (especially with the folliculitis barbae traumatica) it is not life-threatening but I am now surrounding myself with positive people rather than vain people who know that I am doing what is necessary to treat my skin properly and accept me with or without the pimples. These people see me the same whether I dye my hair or change my appearance. They love me and see the beautiful ME inside.

Acceptance of self: The southern way of life is a bit different than this southwestern way of life. In the South, we want to depend on each other HEAVILY for communities sake and South-westerners are so independent that they feel this to be a codependent or controlling scheme. They tend to be loners and cut ties with anyone at anytime for any reason. I feel like I have lived here long enough to get the best of both worlds. It is much like the airplane safety tips: secure your mask before assisting other passengers. I now want to know what I think and feel first. Those feelings are valid no matter the judgement of others. We must honor them and acknowledge without judgement of ourselves. I can trust myself again. I am happy being in my own skin. I am happy being in nature. I am happy being with fellow human beings whose opinions are both the same and different from mine. So the Southwest gives me ME while the South gives me others. True acceptance of self comes by accepting humanity inwardly and outwardly.

I work: Although my job has an expiration date, I am still employed and am thankful for that. My support system at work has been less than understanding. I made some rookie mistakes and gained a plethora of experience. I see that everything is a matter of perspective. Thankfully, I have conquered those bad events that happened while I was in college but I still had to sing then. I was not always at my best and that news travels. When I started this job, I still had what I call residuals that would creep in. I sometimes compare them to aftershocks of an earthquake. The big one has hit but you will still have minor ones as a reaction to the big one until it just stops one day. Thankfully, I think the residuals are over. I proved this in Guatemala. I was sick for the first performance but still sang and was determined to conquer the 2nd performance with or without the sickness. I became that performer that was inside of me. He finally had no one telling him that his track record was this so these are the expectations. It was brand new. I not only sang with good technique and sensitive musicality but with heart and mind and body. This lets me know that I am back on track and I can't wait for the next adventure. This is not the first time that a small minded man has controlled my performance negatively but with this renewed sense of self, this very well could be the last time. Instead of bowing down to others needs, I need to say "HEY! Wait a minute! That isn't fair!" and if I lose my job for that then it will be for a noble cause. I see now that it is just a job. My career awaits.

Family: I at one point was so mad at my family for not accepting my homosexuality and then it hit me. I didn't accept them for being Southern Baptist or for being Christian for that matter, I didn't accept them for being voting members of the Republican party, and I didn't accept them for recognizing my brother's wives but never concerning themselves with my companions. Instead of trying to change them, I decided to change myself by accepting them no matter what they believed or did. It took some time but now I talk to them regularly and can say that made me happy or that made me mad or that made me sad. What they do with it is their business but a conversation about five years ago confirmed that the bottom line is love. I love them and they love me. I accept them and they accept me.

Friends: Once I felt that I had to hold on to friendships. I realized this was much like some of my students holding on to their voice. Let it go I would say. It will be there whether you hold on to it or not I would say. I have hence stopped holding on to people and have feed my friendships just by being there. One relationship confused me tremendously. I thought since we were long term friends that we had to be best friends and I tried and tried to make it work to the point that we would stop the friendship at times. I know realize that she is not my best friend but my family and it is not necessary to try and make her anything more or less. It is what it is. This had made way for true best friends. Some exes make the best friends as well as mentors and then there is the happenstance of the happy person at a party who you makes you laugh and you make her laugh and you want that to continue so you become best friends. I truly love my friends.

Bottom-line: I am a worthy person as well as everyone else on this planet. When I see that, I am happy. People who have done me wrong are worthy in that they taught me a life lesson. People who I have done wrong have the most sincere apology from me. A bull doesn't intentionally break the china in the shop and I feel that way many times but the china is still broken as a result of my entering the shop. I apologize for those times as well. I have just received some surprisingly wonderful news which is the reason for the post. I passed two of my comps and will pass two more in March!! My job is over at the end of the Spring semester so I don't have to be loyal to extra-curricular activity and refocus on my doctorate. I am waiting for some books to come in the mail to read for my doctorate and I have set up tutoring with a very nice and intelligent professor at UT. Life is a beautiful thing and when you spin the wheels the ride gets very exciting.

As always, this is unedited free-thought so certain things may not make sense but I hope you enjoy the quote and see that you too have so many blessings.

Love and Peace always!!!

Carmina Burana

What a wonderful work. I have the opportunity to sing the solos for this work with my job. I have been working on it for a while but have avoided it as well because of its vocal difficulty and demands. I realized after a rehearsal that I didn't get to prepare for, that I don't have it down as well as I thought. I don't know why my brain tells me I have it when I don't. I think it is because it is in my ear but only half way in my voice. I know when the tempos are different it makes me hear a different song and I feel that I don't know it at all. I get overwhelmed like my grandmother when she cooked. I am going to practice today and find road maps in the music to help me from being overwhelmed. I have been teaching musical theater this year and have had to teach belting. I have to find a way to not go to that place in this work. I think it would be no problem if I didn't teach it so much. On to a productive day of practice and then to a school opera performance. Wish me the best.

What a beautiful existence

To Exist, To Feel, To Know something and To Be Clueless...
I think about Robots sometimes and think that they will one day have the capacity to reason within the parameters of its own data source. I have heard about this already existing. Still, self awareness may still be a ways away. I do not fully understand my own existence. I don't understand why things are the way they are, even when explained with nature. I think of our animal as speaking and our self awareness as singing. They both must come from a natural place and be very similar but they are two separate entities. As our culture begins to lose touch with singing, we also begin to embrace the activities of the animal. This is not meant to be judgmental. I am merely stating that culture has a rise and fall that is inevitable and that the rise and fall can occur at the same time. Be aware and rise to every occasion. If you fall, just look the other way and rise when you can. Don't force it Just allow it.

Cause and Effect: Consequenses

So many times in our society, we speak of consequences. Since our society is based in Christianity, the connotation of the word consequence is negative: Thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal or you will go to Hell. A consequence is merely a reaction from an action. (cause and effect) If you give someone a gift and the receiver is happy to receive the gift, the consequence is judged as good. If the receiver does not want the gift and is upset at you for even proposing the gift, the consequence is judged as bad. The act of giving in my book is good no matter the consequence. If the giver refuses to let the receiver decide whether or not the take the gift, the giver is then trying to control the consequence. This may not turn out bad immediately but it is like controlling the weather. You can get out of the wind of a tornado by going inside your house but if the tornado is strong enough, the tornado will take the house with you inside.

In my own life, I thought at one time that people needed to take my gift of certain beliefs or even of love. I could not understand why they didn't take it. It made my life better so it should make their life better. I came across some people with gifts that they tried to give me. I reluctantly took these gifts and realized that the their elixir was poison to me. It made me less of a person and caused great harm. This is where a truer understanding of tolerance came for me. I realized that my own elixir of life may be poisonous to others. I started living life to the best of my ability, offering a sip of my elixir to anyone that wanted it and giving them my personal recipe for this elixir. As we all know, recipes get modified by every user because we don't use the same equipment and may not have access to the same ingredients. If they then feel that the elixir is not good for them, I do not get my feelings hurt.

If we can think of the elixir as being a liquid we realize that all liquid that we drink must have a water (H20) base. We flavor the water, we infuse the water, we heat or chill the water, we process the water and we sometimes ferment the water. Most people feel that water is boring; they must have a coke, or a beer, or tea, or coffee, or milk, etc. I want to have water flowing at all times and add those different phases of water to my own water without replacing it.

This merely means that I want truth to be my underlying understanding. I am fine with things that I have researched and still arrive at no answer. It means I am not looking for a lie to satisfy the truth. If the cause is unforced truth which includes "I don't know" as a truth, the effect will always be going in the right direction. In other words, allow the cause to be truthful with a good intent and allow the consequence to be whatever it will be. ... "let the chips fall where they may."

SAD

Something about death
And dying still
Darkens solemn areas.

Learn to love the ride

This is the theme song to the Showtime series "The United States of Tara."


Learn to love the ride


Open up the sky

This mess is getting high

It’s windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine

When we learn to love the ride


By Tim DeLaughter of the Polyphonic Spree

The last two lines speak volumes to me. "I know we'll be just fine when we learn to love the ride." When I look back and see lots of things that were fulfillment of goals, I realize that the "ride" was living and the "fulfillment" was the prize. Even without the prize, I have lived and that is the most important part. I love the ride even when I am scared shitless.

I know I'll be just fine because I've learned to love the ride

Self-Pity

Self-Pity can come from negative things like losing a job but to focus on it only makes your state worse. Don't deny the things that went wrong but do look for the things that are going right.

I was upset with a misogynistic, manipulative and disrespectful coworker. He is very unhappy and makes himself physically ill from the things he does. I am not that way. I know to respect others and myself. This higher trait is something that keeps me going.

I am getting paid until next October even though my contract ends in May. I have a nice apt that I consider to be a sanctuary. It may not have everything I want in it but it is my corner of the world that for me is safe. I have a nice car and although I may need to get a different one, I know that I am okay for now.

I have some great coworkers that I never want to forget. They are so special to me. I have great students that I know will be even greater in the future.

There are many other things and while the negative is in the forefront, I must remember those things that are good. I am a good person and a GOOD SOUTHERN MAN.

My Job Has Ended

Well, I got the news today that I did not get the job I was going for. There is a chance that a position will open but I will not cross my fingers. Hmm. I am sort of in a state of shock. I have gone through so many emotions about it and am just at a waterfall that is too heavy for the dam. I know when it breaks it will feel so much better but I can't force it. I have had a glass of wine and will probably have more but I think I will be better tomorrow. There is a tremendous amount of shame and inadequacy that I feel but I know I shouldn't. If you feel it, you must process it. I know this will give me a chance to finish my Doctorate and do wonderful things. Well, I feel the wines effect. I must end for now. Thanks for reading.

Aniticipation

"Anticipation, anticipa-a-tion, it's making me wait."

This song keeps going through my head these days. I remember this from my childhood being the jingle for Heinz Ketchup. I am waiting to find out if I got the job next year or not. At this moment the anticipation is much worse than the answer until the answer comes and it isn't what I want to hear. LOL.

Speaking of Ketchup... My Latino friend said that My last name in Spanish is Del Monte. LOL. Wrong brand but just as anticipatory.

Watch the 1980 Heinz Ketchup anticipation commercial.

Loneliness

There is great comfort in being with others...

The heart fills,

The mind engages,

The body responds,

The subconscious relaxes.

But wait, these are fantastic elements that if personified would never allow for loneliness.

When these elements are aware of each other a true communication that alleviates loneliness can occur.

We all have done things and have had things done to us that causes shame. This breaks the bond of these elements and has them facing the wall, standing in separate corners of the room. Loneliness is a self occupied corner. The back form a shield from anyone trying to get through.

Shame, Anger, Sorrow... any emotion has the capacity to separate these elements. It is when we face these emotions and say, "Yes, I am human and I have emotions that I don't want to experience." It is unfortunate but you can put them away for a while but they will always come back. It is like putting oil in a cardboard box. Without you touching it, it will eventually flow through the box and make a huge mess.

Most people are capable of compassion for others. Allow yourself to personify these elements and be just as compassionate for them.

As long as these elements are in communication with each other, the loneliness of being apart from others will not come so soon. It is imperative that we have outward relationships... It is also imperative that we have inward relationships.

The next time you experience loneliness that has come so immediate from a social situation, try connecting all of these elements. You may experience that bottled emotion. If you are emotionally nauseous, don't you think it is time to alleviate that feeling by doing what is necessary? Relief will come and loneliness will dissipate.

Quote of the Day

I have mentioned before that I get a quote a day (with the exception of Sunday) in my email but I don't think I have ever shared with you how to get it. First let me share with you this quote that made me feel great about my own integrity:

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am surrounded by people who prove themselves on what they have done and what they are going to do.  I do think it is important to have done things and to do things but what I find more important is who that person is when those things are taken away.  If no one cares what you have done and no one care what you will do, will the person that is left have enough substance to stand alone.  At one time my substance was lost.  I based it on so many outside things.  I have realized the importance of others and myself.  What lies within is what I look for in a person.  Unfortunately, we can be blind to what is truly inside another person and blind to what is truly inside ourselves.  Don't be disappointed when you see the shallow side of either.  Search for the "within" that is substance filled.  

The way that you subscribe to the quote of the day is below:

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SUBSCRIBING to Positive Quote of the Day
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Have a great day!

McKinney Falls

McKinney Falls has turned out to be an excellent refuge. I absolutely love walking out there. It is similar to the walks I had in Mississippi but the landscape is a bit different. I know that I am in Texas because of the short gnarled trees, the rocky terrain and the cactus. This is just something we saw in books or magazines when I lived in Mississippi. There are several things about the Mississippi terrain that I long for but if I were to ever go back to Mississippi, I know that I would long for the Texas terrain as well. This first beautiful scene was taken at McKinney Falls and the photo does not do justice to the actual scene. It is where one of the falls feeds into a basin that continues downstream. The second scene is just as hard on the judgement of beauty. There is a bench with a table that is right beside this opening into the brooklet that runs through this area. This place has everything. I kept wondering why this park was so well kept and had so much to offer and realized after driving around the park that the Texas Parks and Recreations main building is situated on this property. If you really want to go to a beautiful place, Go to McKinney Falls. You will not be disappointed.

Tiger Woods

My heart is breaking over this situation. By accident I turned the channel and saw that he was about to give an apology. I wanted to turn the channel because I thought that it was none of my business but curiosity and shock kept me watching. I have never been a golf fan thus never really been a Tiger Woods fan.

I kept watching thinking this is none of my business while feeling similar situational aspects of my own life coming to the forefront. I had a very horrible boyfriend who wanted his cake and eat it to. This is what Tiger was trying to do but the difference was that I really feel he never meant to hurt, disrespect or humiliate his family with this.

My ex during our relationship disrespected and humiliated me on a daily basis. He was most charismatic and if he were a car salesman, he could sell New Kia vehicles to a BMW car dealer. The one thing that I felt was very important when I was fed up with him and broke up with him, was that we treat each other with respect and try not to humiliate one another.

Unfortunately, it got worse. The humiliation and disrespect was in front of my face and I started writing a blog about it. This was very therapeutic for me but may not have been the best way of handling the situation. I do not regret it because I learned from it. I became stronger and found out that something from my recent past was not being dealt with psychologically. I started seeing a therapist and read self help books day and night.

I am not sure if Tiger's relationship will last but I am so glad that I watched. He spoke of his Buddhist upbringing and the core values that he felt made life better. He said that he went away from those core values and wants to come back to them. My core values were questioned as being Christian, even though I am Atheist, and they were also questioned as being the silly part of Americans. This made me feel better that there is a way of living that has nothing to do with the self. Living amongst others must take compassion, understanding, respect, honor, kindness, patience, faithfulness and self-control. Yes some of these come from the Bible but I believe the Bible to be a rule book for society rather than a religion. I don't agree with much in the bible but since we have a heightened awareness, it is important that we respect boundaries.

If we were wild animals, none of these rules would apply. We are not wild animals so why should we compare ourselves to them. I do like the study of animals because it does help us to understand things about ourselves but we know if we kill another that we have damaged not only that person but every person that knew that person as well as yourself. This goes with some of the "sins" listed in the bible. I believe in truth, I believe in honor, I believe in life, I believe in contracts and the respect that goes with them.

Tiger messed up but again that is totally between him and his wife. This is not something that we should be following. I wanted to watch his speech so that I can not have twisted words second hand. He seems much like my ex. Neither my ex nor Tiger are bad people but they did make some mistakes. I applaud Tiger for setting things right and pleading with the paparazzi to stop following his family. Even if they don't get back together, he showed great humility and allowed himself to stand on what he truly believes.

Life is so funny. It is true that what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. I no longer look for people to abuse or use or take advantage of me. I try very hard not to turn it the other way and oppress another person. My old friendships worth saving have gotten so much deeper and my new friendships are with people who want nothing from me and are happy when things go well in my life and are there for me when they don't.

I know this is kind of word vomit but my mixed feelings over the Tiger Woods public apology are just as random. If every man could stand up and say that to their partner that they have wronged, we would have a much better society. Again, I don't think it is my business but this may have actually helped someone who is in the same situation.

I hope the best for your recover Tiger and the best for your wife's recovery.

Little gems

Lately things have been very stressful. I am realizing that the job search has gone a different route. I am fine with this but it does mean starting over again. This makes me a little anxious because I really want a house and a dog (my sweet Lacey can't be replaced but it would be nice to have a new little friend) and a yard, and new furniture and a TV and friends that live close by that come to my house and have dinner and enjoy just sitting and talking about something other than ourselves. I subscribe to a quote of the day site in my email and this little gem came in:

The greatest gift you will ever receive is the gift of loving and
believing in yourself. Guard this gift with your life. It is the only
thing that will ever truly be yours.

-- Tiffany Loren Rowe

I do love myself and believe in myself but the latter gets questioned by outside sources which makes one a bit guarded. I want to be in a place where I can let my guard down but until then I will just continue to love and believe in myself.

Even if I live on the street (which I will do my best to keep from happening) I know that I can adapt and find something loving and something secure. I really feel secure about so many things. Those things that I do not feel secure about, I have come to an acceptance of. They are mine just as my strengths are mine. I like being different and that will be what I have to offer... ME!

Sad day

I don't know why I am sad today.

I got an email from my great aunt and she said that she spoke to her brother and sister and they had some disappointing things to say. This made me think of my own two brothers and feel sad for the fact that we have hardly nothing in common. How can we come from the same parents and be so different? I moved away during some developmental years and I think that is why I am so estranged from them.

I think it is time to stop acting and start talking. This will be very difficult for me but I think the truth is so important. I am a very truthful person and will tell the truth when asked but my family and I have stopped asking questions so the truth remains within.

Today Real Utterances Tell Hope!!!!

Tomorrow Reveals Understanding Through Harmony!!!!

Take Refuge Until Talking Heals!!!!

Missionary Impossible (Simpsons Season 11 Episode 15)

Funny quote:

Homer, the philanthropist, tries to spread God's word by reading from the book of "Puh-salms," and tries to answer the islanders' two questions about religion.

Lisa, Jr.: Amy said that there are lots of religions.  Which is the right one? 

Homer:  Well, not the Unitarians.  If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat. 

Ak:  If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not?  Ak just saying. 

Homer:  Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin.  Oh, he's been a rock.

Quote from Roger on American Dad

I am really getting into finding interesting quotes from pop culture these days. Movies and TV shows really can shed light on the status of society and its future. It shows both the good and bad. Really it has no judgement on good or bad and just shows what it shows.

Roger is an alien (from outer space) on the show American Dad. The "American Dad" is Stan who on this episode at Christmas about the Rapture (Rapture's Delight; season 5, episode 9) said that his wife dressed too sexy for church. Roger who is more male than female wears both male and female clothing. He came out in Amish type clothing before church and Stan stated his approval of his attire. Roger responded with this:

“Aw, I love your religion… for the CRAZY! Virgin birth… water into wine… it’s, it’s like Harry Potter but it causes genocide and bad folk music.”

This whole episode was packed with great little lines like this. It is on HULU right now but it is a trailing episode which means it will not be on there long.